next year, i'm going

to do things completely

differently, promise.

you hate visitors?

i never

would have guest.

i lack confidence in my colloquialisms,

but rome wasn't built in a day,

am i right?

every day that i'm

not underground,

i'm on top of the world.

the kkk was confused about the family's race.

so, instead of using a cross,

the had a burning question mark.

the british robot longed for a sense of smell,

and when he went to the wizard of oz,

he was so excited, he got a bloody nose.

christmas is a time for sharing,

but i really think your story about

getting herpes in mexico was over the line.

santa only comes once a year.

so, i have no idea why he's jolly.

mrs. claus needs to up her game.

after that champion show dog went rabid

and attacked, i stole her puppy.

an heir of the dog that bit me.

'we will be together forever,'

the grim reaper whispered. i replied,

'i love you too, death.'

that homeless hip hop artist

never got any respect.

he got a bum rap.

i was too afraid of e coli

to eat the raw poultry.

chicken, out.

if it isn't a tissue,

it's nothing

to sneeze at.

some scientists believe dark matter doesn't exist.

not to make light of the situation

but it seems like a matter of opinion.

for as long as humanity exists,

we will be reigning

cats and dogs.

when your waiter

is a lizard,

be sure to tip the scales.

old racist baseball teams

would play games in the dark,

though never pitch black.

it takes

one,

to no one.

when the puppet performance

asked for volunteers,

there was a show of hands.

when he finally got undressed,

she exhaled her disappointment, and mumbled under her breath.

sighs, mutters.

the cynic was unimpressed

with the impending apocalypse.

'great, balls of fire.'

she later apologized to the dwarf

for the last-minute letter telling him he was small,

'sorry for the short notice.'

she told him she had 'a bun in the oven.'

he started yelling, packed his things, and left.

everything she knew was a lie, 'i thought he liked cinnamon.'

i think i'm far funnier

than anyone i've ever met

thinks.

'a leopard can't change its spots,'

is a lesson about not

cutting in line, right?

i'm as american as

apple pie, and obesity.

they go hand in hand (or mouth).

i look back on the past,

i look forward to the future,

and i look down on short people.

before you think i'm acting crazy,

there is just a grizzly in my head,

bear in mind.

we let time decide

when we get news,

if it is up to the minute.

the best thing i've ever written

was an email explanation for why

i was unsubscribing from a newsletter.

i was fake and out of shape,

some would say

i was counter-fit.