5.31.2011

when i go to fancy parties,

every woman there

walks head over heels.

5.30.2011

you say, 'the world is going

to hell in a hand-basket.'

i'd say it's a wastebasket.

5.29.2011

a vagrant asked me if i had 'spare change',

i thought i'd give him a witty quip,

'change comes from within.' then he stabbed me.

5.28.2011

do experts call

abraham lincoln's journal entries,

'lincoln logs?'

5.27.2011

true trend setters

set out treading intrepidly

through new territories

5.26.2011

when god made man,

he looked upon him and said,

'too late to go back now.'

5.25.2011

after the magician lost his arms,

during an ill-fated 'pendulum of doom' trick,

he had nothing up his sleeves.

5.24.2011

'the early bird catches the worm,'

which means, the early worm is caught.

so, before you arrive, decide which one you are.

5.23.2011

the baker's son

started choking on the batter.

he had to cough up some dough.

5.22.2011

the rapture happened,

jesus is just far more picky

than we anticipated.

5.21.2011

he's a necromancer comedian,

he tells jokes at cemeteries,

just to get a rise out of the dead.

5.20.2011

i just found out what

rump roast is,

some people make ends meat!

5.19.2011

even though steve austin became paralyzed

after he saved that bus of orphans,

he still felt like a million dollars.

5.18.2011

the sharper the sword got,

the more difficult it was to handle.

slippery when whet.

5.17.2011

they ran from the killer, through the trees.

they seemed to have finally escaped him,

but they weren't out of the woods yet.

5.16.2011

the giant robot took the boxing ring

into his hands, mid-match,

and he threw the fight.

5.15.2011

he had a feeling it would work,

she decided to be spontaneous.

it was a whim-whim situation.

5.14.2011

when i heard he was on the lamb,

i knew immediately,

i'd find him at the farm.

5.13.2011

when winchester and remington

tied the knot,

it was a shotgun wedding.

5.12.2011

when i stepped up to the podium,

the teleprompter broke.

i was speechless.

5.11.2011

she must be sick all the time,

people keep saying,

she's a 'lady of ill repute.'

5.10.2011

he spouted off misogynistic remarks,

and laughed in her face.

her reaction: knee jerk.

5.09.2011

he was so upset no one believed him,

his tears transformed into wild dogs.

he was the boy who cried wolves.

5.08.2011

i bit hard on my broken down car.

it shattered all of my teeth.

i guess you shouldn't try to eat lemons.

5.07.2011

i told her to break a leg,

hoping she'd just fall.

instead, she performed wonderfully.

5.06.2011

he cocked his rifle, waiting.

when the wind finally blew,

he shot the breeze.

5.05.2011

i'm developing a genetically altered horse

that is the size of a pack of cigarettes.

soon, i'll be able to hold my horses.

5.04.2011

when the devil got evicted

he packed everything into his truck and moved.

hell on wheels.

5.03.2011

the vengeful doctor left home

to pick up supplies at the red cross.

he was out for blood.

5.02.2011

i could either go to a higher level,

or stay where everyone was watching me.

i took the stairs.