3.31.2011

we kill each other in the name of faith,

battling for religious supremacy.

i have no god in this fight.

3.29.2011

to save his own life, he fought the dolphin.

with his final breath, he killed it.

defeating the porpoise

3.28.2011

it's never wise to ask advice

of the homeless.

beggars can't be choosers.

3.27.2011

in a game of hide and seek,

i hid all by myself,

but you were seeking something else.

3.26.2011

descartes was originally a chef,

'i squash, therefore i yam'

he didn't mince words.

3.25.2011

the moon used to be

as bright as the sun,

until it had the daylights knocked out of it.

3.24.2011

tires filled with musical notes

seemed like a good idea,

until they went flat.

3.23.2011

every so often i reorganize my kitchen furniture.

it feels good to be the one

turning the tables, for once.

3.22.2011

both my thumbs hate each other.

they can never come to an agreement.

they're opposable.

3.21.2011

we should fall in love and rob banks together.

when we escape the authorities,

we'll make out like bandits.

3.20.2011

i'd love to help you

out of your dominatrix uniform,

but my hands are tied.

3.19.2011

she used a permanent marker

to outline her eyes, nose, and mouth.

that way, she'd never lose face.

3.17.2011

she wanted to stop fighting with him.

so, she buried the hatchet,

right in his chest.

3.16.2011

goonies never say die,

except when they say

that they never say die.

3.15.2011

i think we should start calling

immortals,

non-perishables.

3.14.2011

they wouldn't let me place a $25 bet

at a table with a $50 minimum.

you can't always bet what you want.

3.13.2011

mario is such an asshole,

he's always breaking my bricks

and trying to 1-up me.

3.12.2011

you can lead a horse to water,

but you can't make it

love you.

3.11.2011

in the future, our main food source

will be pills made of pea protein, called soylent green.

soylent green is pea pills.

3.10.2011

i don't think of them

as 'homeless.'

i prefer, 'home free.'

3.09.2011

for cud chewers, meat is the fate,

but what's the fate of you and me

if we just eat what they say?

3.08.2011

the 90-year-old nun

fell down the cathedral stairs. she survived.

'old habits die hard'

3.07.2011

you catch more flies

with honey than with vinegar.

stay away from the fly-infested honey!

3.06.2011

i believe in everything

i'm needing, anything i don't,

i'll be leaving.

3.05.2011

charlie sheen is not an idol.

he is wild thing,

before the braves.

3.04.2011

the local drunk was spilling vodka

down his chin and shirt.

waste not, lest ye be wasted.

3.03.2011

the same thing three times,

the same thing three times,

the sane think there's time,

3.02.2011

when the moon hits your eye

like a big pizza pie,

that's a mess.

3.01.2011

when you see me again,

you'll know

my invisibility pills wore off.