12.31.2011

next year, i'm going

to do things completely

differently, promise.

12.30.2011

12.29.2011

i lack confidence in my colloquialisms,

but rome wasn't built in a day,

am i right?

12.28.2011

every day that i'm

not underground,

i'm on top of the world.

12.27.2011

the kkk was confused about the family's race.

so, instead of using a cross,

the had a burning question mark.

12.26.2011

the british robot longed for a sense of smell,

and when he went to the wizard of oz,

he was so excited, he got a bloody nose.

12.25.2011

christmas is a time for sharing,

but i really think your story about

getting herpes in mexico was over the line.

12.24.2011

santa only comes once a year.

so, i have no idea why he's jolly.

mrs. claus needs to up her game.

12.23.2011

after that champion show dog went rabid

and attacked, i stole her puppy.

an heir of the dog that bit me.

12.22.2011

'we will be together forever,'

the grim reaper whispered. i replied,

'i love you too, death.'

12.21.2011

that homeless hip hop artist

never got any respect.

he got a bum rap.

12.20.2011

i was too afraid of e coli

to eat the raw poultry.

chicken, out.

12.19.2011

12.18.2011

some scientists believe dark matter doesn't exist.

not to make light of the situation

but it seems like a matter of opinion.

12.17.2011

for as long as humanity exists,

we will be reigning

cats and dogs.

12.16.2011

when your waiter

is a lizard,

be sure to tip the scales.

12.15.2011

old racist baseball teams

would play games in the dark,

though never pitch black.

12.13.2011

when the puppet performance

asked for volunteers,

there was a show of hands.

12.12.2011

when he finally got undressed,

she exhaled her disappointment, and mumbled under her breath.

sighs, mutters.

12.11.2011

the cynic was unimpressed

with the impending apocalypse.

'great, balls of fire.'

12.10.2011

she later apologized to the dwarf

for the last-minute letter telling him he was small,

'sorry for the short notice.'

12.09.2011

she told him she had 'a bun in the oven.'

he started yelling, packed his things, and left.

everything she knew was a lie, 'i thought he liked cinnamon.'

12.08.2011

i think i'm far funnier

than anyone i've ever met

thinks.

12.07.2011

'a leopard can't change its spots,'

is a lesson about not

cutting in line, right?

12.06.2011

i'm as american as

apple pie, and obesity.

they go hand in hand (or mouth).

12.05.2011

i look back on the past,

i look forward to the future,

and i look down on short people.

12.04.2011

before you think i'm acting crazy,

there is just a grizzly in my head,

bear in mind.

12.03.2011

we let time decide

when we get news,

if it is up to the minute.

12.02.2011

the best thing i've ever written

was an email explanation for why

i was unsubscribing from a newsletter.

12.01.2011

i was fake and out of shape,

some would say

i was counter-fit.

11.30.2011

he got a new lease on life,

it lasts two years

and has a 73.5% monthly interest rate.

11.29.2011

no matter how far i stretch,

i can never

reach a conclusion.

11.28.2011

sweet bread rolls,

manufactured by pillsbury.

synonym: buns.

11.27.2011

would if i could, but i can't so i won't.

though i should, but i shan't,

there's a scant bit of hope.

11.25.2011

11.24.2011

today we celebrate

the amazing career of tom hanks.

t.hanksgiving

11.23.2011

when someone says something is 'hit or miss'

they don't really know what they are talking about.

those are the only options.

11.22.2011

when the sun goes down,

i find it appropriate

to call it a night.

11.21.2011

i surrounded the prized jewel with a wall

the same density of a human being.

as thick as thieves.

11.20.2011

i tried so hard to get those apples,

but they belonged to a family of grizzlies.

sometimes, all your hard work, bears' fruit.

11.19.2011

i was telling him what to do

as he tightened the screws into position.

i guess i'm a backseat screwdriver.

11.18.2011

i took a hammer to my mirror

to make it more reflective,

but it wasn't what it was cracked up to be.

11.17.2011

can the next person you set me up with

be attractive, please?

pretty, please?

11.16.2011

there's an outline of me

in your coloring book.

color me confused.

11.15.2011

i wonder if astronauts

ever lose track of what they're doing,

and space out.

11.14.2011

11.13.2011

if you're going to tie me up

you probably shouldn't have

shown me the ropes

11.12.2011

to pay my debt,

you can take my car, house and money,

just don't take my word for it.

11.11.2011

with so many e1evens

i 1ose track of the

most important 1.

11.09.2011

the space between my mouth

and cake

is the path of least resistance.

11.08.2011

when trying to find a mate,

that difficult girl is hard to get in bed,

but easy does it.

11.07.2011

i got a new hunting rifle

that fires rockets.

more bang for my buck.

11.06.2011

the saying,

'uncle sam wants you'

really creeps me out.

11.05.2011

i bet every day that farmers wake up

and they see that the crops are ready,

they have a field day.

11.04.2011

i believe that there are multiple universes

where time-lines run parallel to our own.

maybe, some other time.

11.03.2011

i've had enough of the naked eye,

i want to see

an eye that is dressed.

11.02.2011

when jim, the class clown, performed macbeth,

he delivered his lines with his head tilted all the way back.

he was always acting up.

11.01.2011

when they built that magnificent tower,

they built each floor a little after the last,

the result is staggering.

10.31.2011

this halloween,

i'm hoping the economy rebounds,

like they say, 'the dead will rise.'

10.30.2011

when the full moon rises,

i become an animal with no sense of direction,

a wherewolf

10.29.2011

i started a one-man-band,

but we can't

agree on a name.

10.28.2011

'then the guy grabbed a crow bar.'

'what did he do after that?'

'beats me.'

10.27.2011

raging animals are cute,

when the bull got stuck in the doorway

it was just a door, a bull.

10.26.2011

things just aren't as exciting as they used to be,

when i look out at the night sky,

i'm so over the moon.

10.25.2011

you can't expect the unexpected

except when inspecting

expectations

10.24.2011

10.23.2011

my phone case broke after

five minutes of use,

this is a worst case scenario.

10.22.2011

if i'm trying to get a promotion,

why do you tell me not to

work myself up?

10.21.2011

if you think it's destructive

when the dog plays with its toys indoors,

let's see how it plays out.

10.20.2011

did you hear about the small child

who couldn't get on the roller coaster that closed?

he was too little and too late.

10.19.2011

she only smiles when she's wearing

chinchilla pelts from head to toe.

the fur suit of happiness.

10.18.2011

for as many faces as you have,

i would have thought you'd have one

watching your back.

10.17.2011

10.16.2011

not to knock on wood or anything,

but i find it to be

too grainy.

10.15.2011

i've only ever had a

frog in my throat,

in a french restaurant.

10.14.2011

when i commit crimes

i wear nothing around my neck,

so i get away, ascot-free.

10.13.2011

going to a fancy hotel

in an exotic location

is not something i'd resort to.

10.12.2011

i have a 'no return' policy

on compliments,

but thanks anyway.

10.11.2011

moses was so shocked that everyone

was worshiping the golden calf idol,

he screamed out 'holy cow!?'

10.10.2011

if you want to see the number 2,

you have to

look after number 1.

10.09.2011

i've never seen a doe resting in this spot,

but i know one thing for sure,

the buck stops here.

10.08.2011

magicians never reveal their secrets,

so never ask one,

' how's tricks? '

10.07.2011

i tend to believe that jokes

about internal organs

are the only real 'inside jokes.'

10.06.2011

10.05.2011

when i picked you up

spicy indian food,

it was a curry favour.

10.04.2011

when the devil was punched by god,

he was hit by a

god-given right.

10.03.2011

he said peter's sister

didn't give him any gifts.

his story re: pete's sis, selfish.

10.02.2011

our past is a cold burrito,

sitting by a microwave.

history re-heats itself.

10.01.2011

the world is just a snake

biting it's own tail, over and over.

history re-eats itself.

9.30.2011

he was very shy,

but he always threw these massive parties,

i guess he was bashful.

9.29.2011

i told him i would cast out to the left

of the pond, but he misheard me.

we got our lines crossed.

9.28.2011

as my research paper fell to the floor,

i scrambled to pick up every page,

collecting my thoughts.

9.27.2011

clifford didn't like that i was ignoring him.

so, my big red dog ate my home,

work, and everywhere else i went.

9.26.2011

a lollipop is one of the only things

you should ever

'lick into shape.'

9.25.2011

9.24.2011

9.22.2011

i like to walk around

without a destination.

all roads lead to roam

9.21.2011

during my youth, there was a commercial

where an alien mother grounded her son for light-years.

that always bothered me.

9.20.2011

the lumberjack

wanted to be a plastic surgeon,

but he did a hatchet job.

9.19.2011

when it got windy,

i gave her my coat,

to soften the blow.

9.18.2011

i'd say this was a nightmare,

but i've seen

you dream.

9.17.2011

professional authors look at

the cost of items differently,

the price is write.

9.15.2011

you're trying to tell me

that this car runs on trees?

i'm not buying it.

9.13.2011

he wouldn't let me look at his geese,

so i stole them.

taking a gander.

9.12.2011

when he is asleep,

my dog whimpers that he is a king.

i let the sleeping dog lie.

9.11.2011

i won't ignore the past,

but i won't let it decide

the future.

9.10.2011

i called her for the 15th time, that day.

as soon as i said hello, i just heard dial tone.

we all have our hang ups.

9.09.2011

i wish we had no plans,

we'd just hang out and relax.

i want nothing to do with you.

9.08.2011

after the health nut died,

she was buried with her stationary bike.

she's spinning in her grave.

9.07.2011

i've invented a new weight loss supplement

that only works for 1 out of 1,000,000 people,

it's called 'slim chance.'

9.06.2011

when i've written something i don't like,

i call on my prehistoric back-peddler,

my pte-redact-yl.

9.05.2011

how crazy was the wild west?

that shit was bandanas,

b-a-n-d-a-n-a-s

9.04.2011

i should have seen that show coming,

but dateline

is 20/20

9.03.2011

when they showed me around

the police station,

it was a tour de force.

9.02.2011

if i were you,

and you were me,

we'd be us still, right?

9.01.2011

if you think that's bad,

then i guess

it probably is.

8.31.2011

if my calculations are correct,

buzz

is the only buzz word in existence.

8.30.2011

twilight vampire

rule of thumb:

once bitten, twice shiny.

8.29.2011

now i aint sayin' she's a gold digger,

but she does happen to head

the world's largest mining company.

8.28.2011

i'm going to try my hardest

not to die,

even if it kills me.

8.27.2011

when the grenade landed near me

i started punching the ground.

i was told to hit the dirt.

8.25.2011

when the piano plummeted from the window

at the school for the deaf,

it fell on deaf ears.

8.24.2011

they thought i knew they wanted

to play one of my board games,

but i didn't have clue.

8.23.2011

when two words that mean the same thing

are placed next to each other,

it's synonymitry.

8.22.2011

i'm sorry i didn't laugh,

i can't take a joke,

and if i could, i don't know where i'd bring it.

8.21.2011

if you've made your bed,

why would you lay in it?

wouldn't that just unmake it?

8.20.2011

when the magician was injured,

they couldn't find anyone else

that would do the trick.

8.19.2011

timmy fell to the bottom of the well.

he tried to climb out,

but he couldn't leave the well enough alone.
when the detective learned

there was a prize in his cereal,

he new he had to get to the bottom of it.

8.18.2011

i often exhale into jars

closing them quickly,

hoping to save my breath.

8.17.2011

when the octogenarian nascar driver

had a wheel blowout mid-race,

he had to retire.

8.16.2011

how can i have regrets,

when i've never once

gretted?

8.15.2011

when the kkk burned that crucifix,

one member bumped into the flames

and was caught in the cross fire.

8.14.2011

to get blood from a stone,

one simply has to

hit someone with it.

8.13.2011

i had a lucky apple,

but after one bite,

it became rotten.

8.12.2011

kanye west has his own private jet.

seems that rappers often give in to

flights of fancy.

8.11.2011

people climbing the berlin wall

would risk being shot,

just to be on the safe side.

8.10.2011

the don gave me one chance

to take his deal.

he made me an offer i couldn't reuse.

8.09.2011

when lucifer's army revolted,

the angels turned to their commander, god.

god said, "give 'em hell!"

8.08.2011

the suicidal man

couldn't afford rope,

so, he was hanging by a thread.

8.07.2011

after years of searching for the box

that contained his love, he found it,

but his heart wasn't in it.

8.06.2011

jimi hendrix was born

with a guitar in his hands,

he cut his own chord.

8.05.2011

8.04.2011

all these errant directory files

need to get

with the program.

8.03.2011

i walked into home depot,

'will you be purchasing anything today?"

'wood if i could.'

8.02.2011

i'm not just whistling dixie,

i'm also whistling

the superman theme.

8.01.2011

i feel bad for the homeless.

they have to traverse our country

with two bum legs.

7.31.2011

regardless of what you say,

this is not a piece of cake,

this test is not delicious at all.

7.30.2011

the doctor told me to stand for 4 hours,

i misheard, staying on my feet for an hour.

he thought i understood.

7.29.2011

a care bear stare

is one of few ways to actually

kill someone with kindness.

7.28.2011

if land costs so much to buy,

why do they say something

is dirt cheap?

7.27.2011

i can't get enough of people

cheering at sporting events,

i'm a fanaddict.

7.26.2011

the mask sculptor's mother

would always yell at him

for making faces

7.25.2011

when the weather gets bad,

and there's a mountain of snow,

climb-it

7.24.2011

you're carving our names

on the tree we met under,

but you're marking up the wrong tree.

7.23.2011

a picture is worth a thousand words,

so shut up

while i snap this shot.

7.22.2011

i had to pick a tv show to watch

before i ran out of time.

it came down to the wire.

7.21.2011

7.20.2011

after all his years with a license,

he's never been in a car accident.

wreckless driving.

7.19.2011

don't bite the hand that feeds you,

punch its owner's crotch,

so the hand drops the food.

7.18.2011

no one expected superman

to become a thief.

man of steal.

7.17.2011

i sometimes forget

that you forget to breathe

sometimes.

7.16.2011

robin hood and maid marian

did not live happily ever after.

it's in robin's nature to quarrel.

7.15.2011

'doctor, why are there two patients here?'

'well, he's going to receive a brain transplant,

and he's the brains of this operation.'

7.14.2011

did you hear the one about

the priest and the rabbi who walk into the bar?

religious figures are such drunks.

7.12.2011

the drunk author braved the hurricane,

but his short story flew from his hands,

three sheets to the wind.

7.11.2011

he said his wallet couldn't hold any more,

but when he was presented with money,

it fit the bill.

7.10.2011

them lumberjack murderers

be-headed for her neck

of the woods.

7.09.2011

i'm the kind of guy

to wonder why

i've got no rhyme for reason.

7.08.2011

In a world where wereworlds

were worlds where

werewolves were...

7.07.2011

they wouldn't let me bring back

my purchase. so, i yelled at them,

'i'm past the point of no return!'

7.05.2011

when the old man slowly

told his side of the story,

he was long in the truth.

7.04.2011

smoke signals reside in clouds above me,

my throat tingles,

still i find their kind so lovely.

7.03.2011

7.02.2011

everything happens for a reason,

the reason he got hurt?

that car hit him.

7.01.2011

to get rid of all the clutter,

i separated everything by size,

little by little.

6.30.2011

after the garden burned down,

a single flower survived,

a rose from the ashes.

6.29.2011

the bowlers union

found it to be a conflict of interest

to go on strike.

6.28.2011

6.27.2011

there are hills

that span the horizon,

as far as i know.

6.26.2011

they asked the millionaire

to donate a new water-based power source.

but he couldn't give a dam.

6.25.2011

scientists have found a material

existing in this world and the afterlife.

its a matter of life and death.

6.24.2011

when i went to exchange

my euros for dollars,

i got my money's worth.

6.23.2011

i'm driving 30 miles away

to have delicious burgers.

so far, so good.

6.22.2011

they threw stones at the mariner,

tearing holes in his vessel.

'don't rock the boat!' he yelled at his assailants.

6.21.2011

i hate summer,

it just leads to fall.

i hope spring's eternal.

6.20.2011

i asked the prostitute why

she was twirling the cereal in her hands.

she said, she was 'turning trix.'

6.19.2011

he dialed her number,

even though she was right next to him.

it was a close call

6.18.2011

while every other winner

raised their hands in the air,

he won hands down.

6.17.2011

the singing detective

could solve every case,

without missing a beat.

6.16.2011

i went to the desert

to find myself. turns out,

i was there all along

6.15.2011

talking to myself at great length

makes me feel sick to my stomach.

i get soliloqueasy.

6.14.2011

there was burger on the top shelf

and steak on the bottom shelf.

i took the high ground.

6.13.2011

people thought he was a magician

because his hands were tiny.

slight of hand.

6.12.2011

after 10 years of coasting at the law firm,

the lazy lawyer was removed from the office.

he was out of practice.

6.11.2011

while meeting her parents,

he fell into wet cement.

he made a good impression

6.10.2011

he could only beat the circus folk

if he took out their strongest link first,

he went for the juggler.

6.09.2011

when i hit the turbo button,

my astro-car began to vibrate.

i got so scared, i was shaking in my boost.

6.08.2011

my hasty attempts to create

a robotic deer, were thwarted.

i just wanted to make a quick buck.

6.07.2011

she wants my affection,

chasing me,

a woman after my own heart.

6.06.2011

when the school's sports programs

got canceled, the bulldozers were called.

they leveled the playing field.

6.05.2011

they didn't trust any one person's

shuffling techniques.

so, they had to have all hands on the deck.

6.04.2011

the fastest artist in the world

was always quick on the draw,

until he drew a blank.

6.03.2011

6.02.2011

old man wakes up to ghosts,

changes miserly ways during holidays.

the plot, dickens

6.01.2011

there was a girl

who said her name was lie.

i called her bluff.

5.31.2011

when i go to fancy parties,

every woman there

walks head over heels.

5.30.2011

you say, 'the world is going

to hell in a hand-basket.'

i'd say it's a wastebasket.

5.29.2011

a vagrant asked me if i had 'spare change',

i thought i'd give him a witty quip,

'change comes from within.' then he stabbed me.

5.28.2011

do experts call

abraham lincoln's journal entries,

'lincoln logs?'

5.27.2011

true trend setters

set out treading intrepidly

through new territories

5.26.2011

when god made man,

he looked upon him and said,

'too late to go back now.'

5.25.2011

after the magician lost his arms,

during an ill-fated 'pendulum of doom' trick,

he had nothing up his sleeves.

5.24.2011

'the early bird catches the worm,'

which means, the early worm is caught.

so, before you arrive, decide which one you are.

5.23.2011

the baker's son

started choking on the batter.

he had to cough up some dough.

5.22.2011

the rapture happened,

jesus is just far more picky

than we anticipated.

5.21.2011

he's a necromancer comedian,

he tells jokes at cemeteries,

just to get a rise out of the dead.

5.20.2011

i just found out what

rump roast is,

some people make ends meat!

5.19.2011

even though steve austin became paralyzed

after he saved that bus of orphans,

he still felt like a million dollars.

5.18.2011

the sharper the sword got,

the more difficult it was to handle.

slippery when whet.

5.17.2011

they ran from the killer, through the trees.

they seemed to have finally escaped him,

but they weren't out of the woods yet.

5.16.2011

the giant robot took the boxing ring

into his hands, mid-match,

and he threw the fight.

5.15.2011

he had a feeling it would work,

she decided to be spontaneous.

it was a whim-whim situation.

5.14.2011

when i heard he was on the lamb,

i knew immediately,

i'd find him at the farm.

5.13.2011

when winchester and remington

tied the knot,

it was a shotgun wedding.

5.12.2011

when i stepped up to the podium,

the teleprompter broke.

i was speechless.

5.11.2011

she must be sick all the time,

people keep saying,

she's a 'lady of ill repute.'

5.10.2011

he spouted off misogynistic remarks,

and laughed in her face.

her reaction: knee jerk.

5.09.2011

he was so upset no one believed him,

his tears transformed into wild dogs.

he was the boy who cried wolves.

5.08.2011

i bit hard on my broken down car.

it shattered all of my teeth.

i guess you shouldn't try to eat lemons.

5.07.2011

i told her to break a leg,

hoping she'd just fall.

instead, she performed wonderfully.

5.06.2011

he cocked his rifle, waiting.

when the wind finally blew,

he shot the breeze.

5.05.2011

i'm developing a genetically altered horse

that is the size of a pack of cigarettes.

soon, i'll be able to hold my horses.

5.04.2011

when the devil got evicted

he packed everything into his truck and moved.

hell on wheels.

5.03.2011

the vengeful doctor left home

to pick up supplies at the red cross.

he was out for blood.

5.02.2011

i could either go to a higher level,

or stay where everyone was watching me.

i took the stairs.

4.30.2011

the best laid schemes of mice and men

oft go awry, proving

they shouldn't collaborate anymore.

4.29.2011

never has there been a story

of more woah, than that of blossom

and her joe.

4.28.2011

4.27.2011

i threw your flowers into a wood

chipper and drove off.

i put the petals to the metal

4.26.2011

i wanted to play a board game,

but when i took it out of the box,

no dice.

4.25.2011

enemy of the state with a capital s,

they drew a line through it,

who knew it would settle debts?

4.23.2011

three months after the stripper

gave birth to a beautiful girl,

dss took the baby from candy.

4.22.2011

i don't like it when news reporters

give overly long introductions to live stories.

just cut to the chase.

4.21.2011

their performance of carmen was met by empty seats,

no one ghost to shows anymore,

the fandom of the opera.

4.20.2011

i make a wish,

every time i see people filming a movie.

they're shooting stars.

4.19.2011

i'm not feeling well,

so i won't be posting today.

on second thought, never mind.

4.18.2011

stop playing poker on the patio,

it hasn't been finished yet!

you're not playing on a full deck!

4.17.2011

no one noticed that the salvation army santa

wasn't the real santa, nor that he wasn't alive anymore.

he was a dead ringer.

4.16.2011

we were open to being close,

but now we can't

close what we've opened

4.15.2011

i'm sorry. i'm not perfect,

but when i look into your eyes,

you make me so [sic].

4.13.2011

stars**************
___________________

************aligned

4.12.2011

the clown's over-sized shoes

would honk with every step.

i guess he had a shoehorn.

4.11.2011

'my lord, why are you leaving?'

'i'm headed to the ball.'

'but the ball is in your court!'

4.10.2011

he went around punching every novel

in the library, i never should have

told him to 'hit the books.'

4.09.2011

4.08.2011

i raced against barbaro,

going as fast as i could.

i beat a dead horse.

4.07.2011

when he snacked angrily,

his ruffles spilled all over him.

i think he had a chip on his shoulder.

4.06.2011

the future of the world

in a swirling mess of blurring solo cups.

youth is wasted on the rum.

4.05.2011

i lost the sheet of paper

that named everything i needed to buy.

now, i feel listless.

4.04.2011

she can feel it coming,

feel those clouds barreling forward.

she feels the qualm before the storm

4.03.2011

in his business suit, he waves for a taxi,

stomping his hooves when none stop.

the tough life of a new york minotaur.

4.02.2011

you're an evil scientist bent on world domination,

and i have half a mind to stop you.

the other half, you put in that jar over there.

4.01.2011

yes, i am standing here naked.

i know it seems like an issue,

just bare with me.

3.31.2011

we kill each other in the name of faith,

battling for religious supremacy.

i have no god in this fight.

3.29.2011

to save his own life, he fought the dolphin.

with his final breath, he killed it.

defeating the porpoise

3.28.2011

it's never wise to ask advice

of the homeless.

beggars can't be choosers.

3.27.2011

in a game of hide and seek,

i hid all by myself,

but you were seeking something else.

3.26.2011

descartes was originally a chef,

'i squash, therefore i yam'

he didn't mince words.

3.25.2011

the moon used to be

as bright as the sun,

until it had the daylights knocked out of it.

3.24.2011

tires filled with musical notes

seemed like a good idea,

until they went flat.

3.23.2011

every so often i reorganize my kitchen furniture.

it feels good to be the one

turning the tables, for once.

3.22.2011

both my thumbs hate each other.

they can never come to an agreement.

they're opposable.

3.21.2011

we should fall in love and rob banks together.

when we escape the authorities,

we'll make out like bandits.

3.20.2011

i'd love to help you

out of your dominatrix uniform,

but my hands are tied.

3.19.2011

she used a permanent marker

to outline her eyes, nose, and mouth.

that way, she'd never lose face.

3.17.2011

she wanted to stop fighting with him.

so, she buried the hatchet,

right in his chest.

3.16.2011

goonies never say die,

except when they say

that they never say die.

3.15.2011

i think we should start calling

immortals,

non-perishables.

3.14.2011

they wouldn't let me place a $25 bet

at a table with a $50 minimum.

you can't always bet what you want.

3.13.2011

mario is such an asshole,

he's always breaking my bricks

and trying to 1-up me.

3.12.2011

you can lead a horse to water,

but you can't make it

love you.

3.11.2011

in the future, our main food source

will be pills made of pea protein, called soylent green.

soylent green is pea pills.

3.10.2011

i don't think of them

as 'homeless.'

i prefer, 'home free.'

3.09.2011

for cud chewers, meat is the fate,

but what's the fate of you and me

if we just eat what they say?

3.08.2011

the 90-year-old nun

fell down the cathedral stairs. she survived.

'old habits die hard'

3.07.2011

you catch more flies

with honey than with vinegar.

stay away from the fly-infested honey!

3.06.2011

i believe in everything

i'm needing, anything i don't,

i'll be leaving.

3.05.2011

charlie sheen is not an idol.

he is wild thing,

before the braves.

3.04.2011

the local drunk was spilling vodka

down his chin and shirt.

waste not, lest ye be wasted.